Expectations

As I grow older and gain experience in life, I think I've discovered one secret to happiness. It is this: when dealing with other people, understand and manage your expectations for the relationship. That is, evaluate each relationship you have, and understand what you hope to get out of it, and, more importantly, what you think the other person wants to get out of it.

If you can do this successfully, you can avoid a lot of heart break and unhappiness. For example, in dealing with your boss, understand that he or she is not your friend. As much as we all enjoyed "Mary Tyler Moore," and the relationship between Lou and Mary, understand that this was fiction, and not real life. Your boss has an agenda. Often, that agenda is different than your agenda in working at that company. If you understand this, you can avoid disappointment when your boss acts in a manner that might upset you. When you sit back and view the situation from your boss's point of view, it becomes apparent (usually) that he has acted completely appropriately. However, if your boss is your friend, it is difficult to reconcile his acts with being your friend.

Similarly, extend this to all your other relationships. Your spouse should love and support you totally, and if you are lucky, they do. However, you can't really expect this kind of love and support from anyone beyond your immediate family. Coworkers, acquaintances, and even friends, all have agendas that are different from yours. You must evaluate each of these relationships in the cold, hard, light of day. Determine as best you can why the other person is in the relationship, and what they hope to gain from the relationship.

Having come to understand this, the next step is to put it into practice. I know that once I can make these honest evaluations, I will cease to be destroyed every time someone else disappoints me, simply by acting as I could have predicted they would, if I had been honest with myself.