Idiot Clause

Here is another of my old essays that I rediscovered.

---

I think I see a way to restore some normalcy to American culture. In particular, all these ridiculous law suits we’re seeing these days. Ask any of your friends or acquaintances if they know of some unbelievable case, and nine out of ten of them will tell you a story. About a kid suing his parents because they wouldn’t let him have a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich for lunch. Or a guy suing the company that makes his detergent, because he used too much on a load of laundry and got fired from work because his boss noticed spots on his clothes.

My point is, these kinds of things are legion. My initial thoughts on how to alleviate this problem were akin to William Shakespeare in Henry VI: “The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.” And while I still wholeheartedly endorse this policy, I have thought of a more moderate one, with a better chance of being approved by society as a whole: the Idiot Clause.

This would go something like the following:
Whenever I do anything idiotic, unthinking, or plain stupid, that causes harm to a person or property (mine or someone else’s), I will take full responsibility for my actions, rather than blaming it on my mother, my sneakers, my lack of breakfast this morning, the Dewey Decimal system, or any other goddamn thing.

This clause would be memorized in school, and recited every morning, right after the Pledge of Allegiance. Call it the Pledge of Responsibility, or something like that. Also, whenever you make a large purchase, start a new job, or take any major life step (e.g. getting married), you would sign a version of this Pledge. In this way, every American could have this idiot clause ingrained in his skull. It would show positive results in two ways:

1. The lawyer fighting against the person bringing the frivolous suit could get up and say, “Your Honor, I move for dismissal on the grounds that the person bringing this suit is an idiot. He purchased a 250 lb. refrigerator, carried it up to his third floor apartment, by himself, and complains of back pains. He claims the store which sold him the refrigerator should pay for his doctor’s bills and another $5,000,000 for pain and suffering, since nobody told him he shouldn't carry it on his back. But, your Honor, here is his signature on the idiot clause from the store.” The judge would, of course, throw out the case.
2. People might (they just might) start acting more mature and more intelligent. They might (they just might) think a little more about the results of their actions, if they knew they would be held responsible for them.

The biggest advantage of this idea, over my first one, is that we might actually get some lawyers to support this scheme, since it doesn't actually involve murdering them. (Of course the main disadvantage is that we don't get to murder them.)